the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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