no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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