i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
