Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
