How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
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I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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