how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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