just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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