you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
