apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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