I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
