I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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