they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She told me I should be a condom model.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
