He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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