Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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