At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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