it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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