How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
