Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
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Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
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