Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
