Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
