Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
