I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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