he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
