so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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