Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
