I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
