yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Randomize
