pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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