i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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