$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
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Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
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Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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