I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
