I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
