he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Farmville is her only friend.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
don't judge my taste in strippers
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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