if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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