I met the friendliest cop last night
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
