What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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