and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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