seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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