I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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