Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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