I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
