I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
