i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
