Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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