Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
