Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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