it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
