i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
no you cant smoke seaweed
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
