I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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