Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
