This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
