Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
