my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There's always time for handjobs
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
