i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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