I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
