Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
